To Be Like Daddy

My youngest seems to finally be ready to potty train!!  The last time I was potty training a little one, my husband was in Iraq for OIF what-the-fuck-ever-number it was.  My husband had played a major role in training our oldest to use the bathroom and did the job so well that the kid was trained day and night by 18 months of age.  Fantastic.  Our daughter was a pain in the ass and was 3 1/2 before she could finally wear big girl panties and not diapers all the time.  Number three was my responsibility with the hubby 10,000 miles away and needless to say, it was not going well. 

But then, R & R rolled around, my husband came home and within two weeks, he had the boy sitting on the toilet to pee.  Best method to potty train: let the child see how the fuck Daddy does it and then do it like him.  So my husband would take the kid in the bathroom, piss, and then put the boy on the toilet to do it himself.  Worked great--until the fucking Army said R & R was over and my husband had to leave.

B did great the first few days after Daddy left for shithole Iraq, but then, inevitably, issues sprang up.  Actually, it was only one issue.  The boy wanted to do it exactly like Daddy, which means standing up to pee.  Only one minor difficulty here.  The kid is too short.  Can't do it like Daddy.  So I encouraged him to continue to sit on the potty to pee and to wait until he got a little bigger.  The boy was having none of this and I discovered rather quickly that he was quite simply not willing to wait to get bigger.

Now I have to give the kid some major props for creative thinking and problem solving.  While I may not agree with the conclusion he reached, it was a well thought out plan.  Two days after the hubby's hasty retreat back to the desert, B announced to me that he had to pee, and I, not realizing that he was unhappy with my preferred methodology, told him to go.  So he went to the bathroom and about 5 minutes later, B has not yet emerged.  So off goes Mommy to investigate. 

And what the fuck do I find in the bathroom?  B has obviously decided that he is going to find a way to pee like Daddy, come hell or high water.  But getting a stool to make himself taller so he can reach to pee standing up was apparently not the way to go, because obviously the problem isn't that he's short.  No.  He has come to the logical (and from his point of view, obvious) conclusion that his penis is too small and if it was larger, he could reach the toilet to pee.  So when I entered the throne room, I found the two year old standing in front of the toilet, brandishing a paper towel roll on his penis, attempting to pee uphill into the toilet!  Gravity was the child's only downfall, because I suppose that in some warped, demented way, his logic was sound.

At least this time around, the fucking Army won't be taking my husband away halfway through the potty training process leaving me with a pool of piss to clean and a boy who has penis envy. . .