Keeping up Morale: Rule #2

Maybe Rule #1 and Rule #2 should be the same rule and not two separate ones. Both run along a common theme, I suppose, but I keep them separate to avoid oversimplifying. Making them a single rule would be SO easy to do and would consist of four little words, but let's face it: stating that the key to keeping up morale is to SHUT THE FUCK UP is way too vague and doesn't begin to hit all the fine nuances that Rules #1 and #2 bring up.

SO here is Keeping up Morale Rule #2: Do not tell your husband about every little thing that goes wrong or upsets you here on the homefront. I don't mean that you can't tell him that the baby is teething or that the kids are sick. It takes some thought and requires effort on our parts, but we wives need to limit our sharing of what is going on to things that are not going to cause him to panic.

Here's a good example of what I mean. The tranny drops out of your car. Normally, your husband would handle this issue, right? So you tell him about it. Suddenly, there is a husband and father who is deployed worrying about how his family is going to take care of getting the car fixed and getting where they need to go. So again, a distracted soldier. A distracted soldier is a soldier who can cause KIAs and WIAs, or end up being one himself. Long and short of it is: if the tranny drops out of the car, tell him about it after you've gotten it fixed!

My primary point in all this is somple. We are the wives of deployed soldiers who have to be mom, dad, comforter, disciplinarian, driver, chef, accountant, repairman, and coordinator for our families and I promise, if we can do this alone, there is not a crisis that can come up that we can't handle. Our husbands may be bad-asses, but the world had better brace itself for the Army wife. Army wives are a force of nature when the situation calls for it.

So, stay calm ladies and keep the stuff that will really worry your husband to yourself. I know it's hard not to vent at him, but his morale and the safety of our boys has GOT to be the first and only priority. I cannot say this enough: keep your damn mouth shut. If you can do this very simple thing, you will be following both my rules for morale and all the men should be able to do their jobs and come home safe and sound. Isn't that the goal?

Keeping up Morale: Rule #1

What is it about Army men that makes them so damn easy to talk to? They are foul-mouthed (so am I), dirty minded, bloody minded, war mongering jerks, but they are just so brilliant to have as friends. You can talk about anything with them, and I do mean anything: history, politics, religion, sex, movies, books. And if you don't agree with each other, you grab a beer and spend the next 3 hours trying to drink each other under the table and convince each other why they are wrong. No backstabbing, no cattiness. Just good clean fun and intelligent conversation, provided the alcohol hasn't been flowing too terribly long. And I love their solution for fuck-ups: kick his ass and call it a day. Again, no vindictive, backstabbing bullshit. I love Army men. I suppose that's why I stick with getting to know the soldiers more so than the wives usually.

This deployment has been good for me in one especial way: I have female friends!? How the hell did that happen? Women are the ones who normally pull that catty, vindictive shit that I hate so much, but I've met and really like more than a few women this go around. It's new for me to have more than just a handful of women I actually talk to, and I'm liking it. But that brings me to my Rule #1 for Keeping up Morale:

DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT A SOLDIER'S WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND!!! Here's why: Women are, as a general rule, vindictive and quick to lash out (which is why I don't usually have a lot of female friends. . . ), but we need to learn that we have to control ourselves and deal with stuff on a more personal level that spouting off on facebook or via email or the phone. Go beat the shit out of the bitch. Deal with it like a man (even though we're women!) This gossipy, spiteful crap needs to cease and desist or we're going to end up with a lot more WIA and KIA.

I understand that people are going to annoy each other, even really piss each other off. Call them and tell them off. Go over and beat the crap out of them. Don't get on Facebook and write that “Kate is a blankety-blank” or that the “FRG is useless.” This is how rumors over there get started. A comment of “Kate is a fucking whore” gets embellished and suddenly my hubby hears that I am having affairs with 20 different guys and selling my kids on the black market. Now he’s worried and distracted, doesn't do his job, and suddenly we have a platoon who are all WIA or KIA. I personally love these men and I will kick your ass for posting something stupid on the internet or starting a rumor. Just fucking think and grow up. I want my husband home in one piece and I'm sure you do too.

Just Do Your F-ing Job!!

Rear Detachment--that lovely group of soldiers who get left stateside during a deployment who have the delightful job of relaying information down-range, dealing with mounds of paperwork, organizing new soldiers and getting the sent overseas, and handling the myriad problems that are presented to them by the wives of deployed soldiers. It's a tough and thankless job, but I quite frankly feel like they have got to be some of the most useless pieces of shit that were ever put on the face of the earth!

Case in point: A wife is injured. Not badly enough to justify her husband coming home, but badly enough that she cannot possibly take care of her children. She goes to the ER and gets a shot, some meds and an appointment for a week later to find out what is wrong. If her husband were home, he would be at that hospital raising holy hell to get her an earlier appointment. So it is Rear D's responsibility to take the place of her husband and go up there to throw some rank around to get her in sooner, or so I thought. . . Our Rear D decided that mowing her lawn would be help enough. WTF!?! The woman is basically incapacitated and they are going to mow her fucking lawn?? I am livid.

I'd be OK with this whole scenario if they had even tried to help her get an earlier appointment. They can't always move the mountain that is the bureaucratic nightmare of military SOP. But if you aren't going to try, how will you know if you can help?? This is the second wife this deployment who has had serious, debilitating medical issues. I'm not talking about a sprained ankle or a bad cut, but serious shit. I want so badly to beat someone to death. If this was their wife, what would they do to make sure she was taken care of? Wouldn't they want to know that their wife was physically capable of taking care of their children without pain and able to drive not tripping out on some crazy pain medication?? I do NOT understand why anyone would allow someone to struggle in this way and not even make an ATTEMPT to help.

This is totally fucked up. Our wives deserve better and soldiers DAMN SURE deserve better for their spouses and families. So this is for all the Rear D guys out there who are doing the bare minimum that they can: Get off your ass and do your FUCKING job! That's all I'm asking. I don't think it's asking too much, do you?

Angry Month

Apparently, I need to explain this a bit further, as my phone continues to ring with wives on the other end who believe that I can fix their marriages. So, here it is. The facts on the emotional highs and lows of deployment, especially during what I like to call "Angry Month."

What is it about months 4 and 5 of a deployment that makes everyone so damn angry and causes all the fighting  between the wives and their soldiers that I keep getting calls about? Now the exact timing on this changes from person to person, but Angry Month hits around now. I guess it has something to do with the fact that time wears so slowly these two months. We're well into deployment, but we aren't even to the halfway mark so the end is nowhere in sight. It's frustrating and seems like it will never end. Add to that the monotony of being stuck at home with kids, not getting any sex (and battery powered toys do not count!), and that the guys are all feeling like we wives have it so easy, it's no wonder that everyone is angry and ripping out each others' throats over the phone and internet.

What the hell is a wife to do? I mean, our husbands are getting shot at and people are trying to blow them up! We do our damnedest not to say anything that will upset them, but then we get the "nasty-gram" email or a screaming bastard on the other end of a phone call. It is not always possible to stay calm, and sometimes it is necessary to inform the son of a bitch that he needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Really, what are you supposed to say when he says that the life of a soldier's wife is a cake walk or that we are irresponsible with his money or that we are a cheating whore, when the fact is that none of these are true? We are military wives, who are dealing with the daily worry of a husband who may not come home, raising our kids as single parents, juggling bills and sending packages to him that cost way too much money, and trying to get over the fact that our sex lives have "ceased to be." Sometimes, dealing with his shitty attitude is just the straw that snaps the camel's back in half.

My point is this: tell him off if it starts to get out of hand. He's a big boy and if he wants to dish it out, he better be ready to take it, too. My husband has been told to fuck off more than once and I've also hung up on his ass numerable times. He got over it, put some thought into what he was accusing me of and things got back to normal. Month 6 is just around the bend and attitudes start to improve once we hit that halfway mark.

Just on a sidenote here: I am happy to listen to anyone who needs to bitch about the stupid jerk that is making you miserable. But you better not be doing anything that merits a husband screaming at you during a phone call. I have no tolerance for cheating spouses--if you want to marry a military man, you better have the intestinal fortitude to keep your pants on and not fuck around through a year-long deployment.

The Rules of Survival

Here are the Rules. There are three of them and they are not rocket science. Pay attention. If you want to survive a deployment, you must follow these rules to the letter as your sanity may depend on it!

1. Do NOT watch the news!!
Watching the news is not a good idea. The media only wants to tell the juicy tidbits about how many soldiers were killed or wounded each day without any of the details that would reassure a wife to know that "It was not my husband." When you hear on the news that a soldier from such and such a post or unit was killed, you are going to panic. It is NOT worth the emotional trauma!! Don't even fucking turn it on.

2. Stay busy.
This sounds easy, but it's not. Even if you have kids, a job, pets, whatever, you need to be able to keep your MIND busy and away from dwelling on a spouse who is not here and is in harm's way. I am not saying to forget your spouse or to try to pretend the deployment isn't happening. All I mean is that spending all your time physically busy while your mind is 10,000 miles away in a war zone is only going to lead to exhaustion and a melt-down. We are military spouses. Let's face it--we're all a little crazy to start with. We do not need to end up committed to a loony bin because we didn't have the intestinal fortitude to buckle down, face reality, and challenge our minds to stay stateside and sane!

3. Find someone to bitch to!
I don't care who it is: your mum, your neighbour, your best friend, another Army wife, your FRG leader. . . Whoever it is though, it needs to be someone who understands about deployment (ie. has gone through one) or it needs to be someone who will simply listen and not try to be sympathetic. Sympathy is all well and good, but when my husband is gone and you are talking out of your ass telling me you understand, I just get angry. Choosing the person at whom you will bitch is one of the most important decisions you will make during deployment. Choose wisely!


I suppose you might be asking whether I follow my own rules and you can bet your sweet ass I do! I would not put this up here if I didn't fucking practice what I preach. Let me break this down for you:

1. I do not watch the news. Ever. Not even the weather. If I want the weather, they have weather.com for that. I stay away from all things media related during deployment. So I will probably say "huh?" if you mention what the president did or that forest fire in BFE. I do not watch the fucking news. 

2. I stay busy, busy, busy and here is how. I have four kids (2 of whom I homeschool), 2 huge dogs, and FRG volunteer work. So I am physically busy, but is my mind being stimulated? If phone calls at least twice a week about information for FRG matters, daily phone calls from wives who have made me their person to bitch at (not complaining), lesson plans, chasing a 10 month old and helping him to learn and grow, reading a 300 page book on average per day, and helping whoever calls and needs my help are not enough stimulation, then I am fucked five ways from Sunday and you might as well just bring that funny white coat. . .

3. My poor mother. Does that answer sufficiently the question of if I have found someone to bitch to? That poor woman, God bless her, has listened to me complain about more things and more times than any one person should ever have to hear in a lifetime.  The last thing I'm sure my mother want to hear is her child crying on the other end of the line, or screaming like a banshee that her husband is a fucking asshole, or complaining about sex and the lack thereof she is experiencing.  Yet my mother sits through all of these calls and just listens.  No judgment.  No attempts to sympathize.  Just listens to the psycho bitch her daughter can be.  My mom is the SHIT!!


I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and every deployment I learn something new. But these three little rules have served me well and maybe they can help someone else out. I don't know. Maybe I'm already out of my fucking mind, haven't realized this yet and these rules are actually a form of denial. . .

Saying No--Not working so well. . .

So my goal this deployment was to learn to say no and somehow I still manage to get roped into helping everyone with every little thing. That sign on my forehead still announces that I have extraordinary powers and can solve any issue. When the hell did I become a marriage counselor?

We had a casualty alert come down the chain and I called all my wives to make sure no one was freaking out, as the injuries were in our company. No KIA, thank God! So in the process of seeing if these women were maintaining their sanity, I have one break down on the phone. No about the guys that got hurt, but about her husband and how he is talking about divorce. So, I, being the glutton for punishment that I am, ask her what's going on, is this her first deployment, how long they've been married. . . All that jazz. Come to find out, this is her first deployment as a spouse, married less than a year, and he wants a divorce because he hates her family who came and stayed with her for a few days. Somehow, not wanting to be alone is a crime and now he can't trust her. REALLY?

I don't understand. In the grand scheme of things, is family visiting really that big a deal. Man, you are being shot at! Your wife is here alone trying to stay sane, faithful, and a credit to you. Grow up!

SHe is freaking out, afraid to say anything because he'll get in trouble and just wants to know her marriage isn't doomed to fail. What am I supposed to say or do? SO I explained about angry month and tried to reassure that his attitude and moods are going to be yo-yoing over the course of deployment, so this will likely blow over. I also told her that he can't get in trouble for having marital issues unless there is abuse involved. He might get chewed for not having called in several weeks, but that's the extent of it. I suggested she talk to the chaplain.

I love the Army and volunteering, helping wives. I just really hate trying to play mom and counselor when wives start crying. People seem to forget that I am going through this deployment, too! My husband is gone, too! I have four kids and have problems of my own to deal with. Deployments SUCK!! I have got to learn how to tell people no or I'm going to lose my damn mind.

Commiscary Shopping

I know that Pay Day, especially during deployment when we have room to play, is a good thing. I know this. But Pay Day brings one thing and one thing only to my mind--the commiscary. That's right. Not the commissary, but the commi-scary. I have seen lots of photos of the so-called "Walmartians" and I think we should start another collection of people at DFAS. Not only is that place the most horrible place to go because of the huge number of people there on pay day and how incredibly RUDE they are, but have you seen the women there in full make-up with really nice outfits and heels?? Are they looking to hook up? Is there really a need to dress up when going to the commissary comparably to how you would going out on a date?

I must have MISSED THE MEMO!

So tomorrow on pay day, I shall go there, feeling lucky if I got a shower, dressed in jeans, a tee, and ratty sandals with 2 kids in tow. My only purpose will be to get in, get food, and get the FUCK out! SO please keep an eye out and your camera phone ready for the latest web sensation: skanks of the commiscary!

Just bitching. . .

Sometimes it seems like all I do is complain. Now I know I haven't been on here in a few days, but I was having a rare spell of "good mood" and didn't want to risk ending it by digging up my life to find things that piss me off. Today, I feel like complaining: I'm still in a happy place, but there's a sarcastic land there that I think will allow me to bitch some more about deployment in general.

SO we are entering month number five here in a few days and month five is the month of "Oh my God! We're not even half done," "I hate everyone and everyone is out to tick me off," and "Please shoot me." This is also known as the Angry Month. Month three tends to be a depressed one, followed hard by month four where everyone is still depressed, struggling just to make day to day but really coming to grips with it all. In month five, we have finally accepted our lot in life, decided we hate it and look for revenge. Not surprisingly, insomnia tends to hit hard and alcohol consumption rises dramatically during month five (unless you are like me and don't drink--I just smoke like a dragon.)

Unfortunately for we wives of deployed soldiers, our husbands are also going through this maelstrom of emotional up and downs. We've been yelled at, cried at, ignored, and now we get to look forward to the men starting to tell us more about all the AWESOME things they are doing away from us. The shopping lists are about to get longer ladies! And get ready for some pipe dreams.

I hate deployments. I like the first couple of months not having to deal with my husband, his shit, or his complaining, but month four and five kick my ass every time. I hate being up all night. I hate not caring about things. It's becoming monotonous and I am ready for R&R. Maybe if I can get laid, I'll feel better. . .

Finally, I feel like me again!

It only took two days to recuperate from the invasion of the in-laws. . . Which is not to say in any manner, shape or form that I have forgiven them, but I have taken my own advice. People who behave like that should not be allowed to make me feel bad about myself. Screw them if they want to act like 2 year olds! If they plan to make another trip down here, I am going to do whatever I want to and not sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am worth more than that!

So today was a great day! I got to have my parents, my brother, my friend and her kids and her mum over for a barbecue tonight and had a BLAST! This is me. Happy, talking, laughing, shocking people with my bluntness and razor-sharp wit, enjoying life. What a relief! For once I have nothing to really bitch about. How did that happen? An actual good day during deployment. Who knew?

Seriously

Why is it so exhausting to not do anything? I did nothing this weekend besides sit around the house waiting for stupid family to show up. OK, I have four kids, so I did normal around the house things like cooking, cleaning and laundry, but that doesn't really count. So the weekend was crap and here comes Monday--a beautiful sunny day, not too hot, nice breeze. The waiting game is finally over, because by now the in-laws are back home (not that I have actual confirmation on that, seeing as how they didn't bother to let me know their plans or call.) So what did I do all day?? More nothing!!

It is so emotionally draining to feel like your family of all people only want you for what you can do for them. And it really irritates me to no end that because the kids did not want to go up and visit them, they CHOSE not to bother to come back over to see them again. Give me a break. It's children we're talking about here--your grandchildren--and you chose to ignore them out of selfish pride?? Really??? Could we TRY to act like adults and show some consideration for the feelings of others? You can treat me like crap. Fine. But don't screw with my kids and their feelings.

Now that I have that out of my system, let me just say that I have come to a decision regarding the in-laws and their blatant disregard for anyone's feeling but their own: FUCK THEM!

What pisses me off more than anything. . .

is having people in my life who expect me to make my life revolve around them. I spend two days waiting for in-laws to show up and then they finally arrive at noon on the third day. They stay one half hour and then leave saying they need six hours to get ready for their niece's wedding?? WTF?!? And to top that off, I get a "we'll see you later" which means I'm stuck at the house because if I leave and they show up, I'll never hear the end of it. How they want to spend time with the grandkids and I took away that chance.

The best part of the visit was the look on their faces when my fourteen year old son, who has no tact at all, answered the question of whether he was going to go to Indiana and stay with them for a while. He informed them that his father does not want him to go because he doesn't want his kids around the step family. That may explain the fast escape they made, but give me a break! If you want to spend time with your grandchildren, swallow your pride and show a little respect for the wishes of their parents. Enjoy the kids while you are here.

Then to top it all off, they asked if we were going to the wedding, the wedding I did not get invited to attend. "Oh, no one will care if you go. . ." NO. You do not show up to a wedding uninvited! I was taught better manners than that. That's why they do invitations: so people can RSVP and they know how many to expect to the reception.

All in all, it's been a horrible weekend and it isn't over yet.

It's nice to know, however, that it isn't just my family that's intolerable. My poor friend has her mother here for a visit and she's ready to commit herself to a happy house. Most of my anger comes from the in-laws lack of respect for me in general and that they CHOOOSE to ignore that my husband, their son, is gone and in a war zone. I have enough shit to deal with without their pissy attitudes! The silver lining: at least my in-laws are not staying with me.

Why am I writing a blog. . . ??

The short answer would be "I need to." I know that is a cop out and a horrible answer, so here the long version:

I am that person. You know--the one everyone runs to as soon as they are having a bad day or they have a question they need an answer to. That's me. I am everyone's sounding board. Now please don't think that I for a second regret that people feel comfortable enough to b**** at me about their problems, because I really don't mind. In fact, I have a talent for calming people down and I usually can give pretty good advice. My complaint is that it is very wearing on the soul to be constantly bombarded by other people's issues when I have issues of my own to deal with. Hence the need for this blog.

That having been said, I intend to get on here everyday and just blow steam. I am going to avoid mentioning names, dates or any specifics. I respect people's privacy and I would hope people can respect mine. However, I also hope they can respect that I have a right to express myself and get some of these things out of my mind. So here's the steam blowing for today--

The in-laws, who have not called more than once a month throughout this deployment even though I am here alone with their 4 grandchildren and their son is gone getting shot at, are supposedly coming down this weekend for their niece's wedding. That's wonderful. These two people bicker at each other like 2-year olds, and that is being generous. When a 60 year old couple sound like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck going back and forth with the "Duck" "Rabbit" crap, it's time to them to get out of my house. Lucky me, they have not yet shown up at my door, and I am a horrible HORRIBLE person for dreading their arrival! Am I a bad person? I'd like to think that I'm a generally good and caring person. I will bend over backwards to help you if I can. So why are my thoughts about them visiting so HATEFUL?? Please God, just let it end quickly!