A Rakkasan Wife New Year's Resolution

SO here we are again at the close of another year and the standing tradition is to make a resolution to somehow better yourself in the coming year.  Fun, fun, fun.  And I've been seriously thinking about what the fuck I can do to improve on the perfection that is me.  In all seriousness though, I have a ton of faults and I can think of lots of shit that would make me a better person--it's just that none of the things I can think of or that are "popular" resolutions are just not in the realm of possibility.

The big one seems to be to lose weight.  Well, FUCK that!!  I weigh 95 pounds soaking wet.  If I lose weight, my husband invariably informs me that I look anorexic and he refuses to fuck a skeleton!!  Since I like getting laid on occassion, losing weight is right out!!

Another resolution that seems to be popular is to quit drinking.  Again, not happening.  Simply stated, I don't drink beyond an occassional glass of wine.  Ninety pounds and alcohol just do not mix, and since a full glass of wine has me tipsy, I just don't fucking drink.  I know that it's near blasphemy for a Rakk wife to be a teetotaler, but I really don't have much of a choice.  I'm a cheap drunk!!

Next possibility is to quit swearing.  Yeah, right!  Who the fuck could ever possibly think that this was a good idea??  I can barely get through one sentence at a time without dropping a fucking f-bomb, so how the hell am I supposed to quit swearing?  I'm not an idiot with a complete lack of vocabulary and no grasp of syntax.  I actually, despite all appearances to the contrary on account of my foul mouth, am quite intelligent and employ words that baffle most people I know.  I just appreciate these delightful turns of phrase and recognize their efficacy in accomplishing what needs to be done, as does every Rakkasan who has told a private to "get it fucking done!"  So fuck that resolution in the ass and send it on to hell.

I could always give up smoking.  That's a good one, if you don't have four kids, an infantryman with an attitude for a husband, and an ability to handle stress without resorting to violence.  Unfortunately, I have neither the capacity nor the desire to give up smoking if I want to ensure the survival of my minions and my sanity.  So there's another idea, out the fucking window!!

So my final option, and the one I'm favouring right now, is to simply say FUCK IT ALL!  And by this I mean simply that if someone pisses me off, I will let it roll over me.  Be it the kids or the husband or the crazy bitches I meet, I will be the better person and I will simply destroy them.  Without anger or malice.  I will not dwell on the wrongs done to me.  I'm taking a page from the infantryman's way of handling things.  When you get shit on, it's time to fuck someone up!! 

So there you have it.  My New Year's Resolution.  My bitchiness remains intact and my life will be simpler.  Now it's time to go blow shit up (German tradition--fireworks on New Year's).  Have a very Happy New Year!  I know I will. . .

Go the Fuck Away!

Is it just me?  Am I a bad wife?  The husband is on leave and has been home for a week now and he is driving me up the proverbial wall!  He needs to go the fuck back to work before I have to kill him.  Why do I feel like this?  Is it the endless deployments and training and schools that have just accustomed me to him not being around?  Or is it that he is always on the go somewhere and can't fucking sit still for more than five minutes at a time? 

I love my husband and you all know that.  We've been married almost sixteen years.  He's my best friend, my confidant, my fuck buddy, and my world revolves around him.  Well, him and the damned Army.  But he makes me completely fucking insane!!  Add to that four kids, Christmas chaos, and perpetual insomnia and I'm ready to suck start that pistol.  Again.  Deployment makes me want to off myself and leave does the same damn thing to my state of mind.  I'm in hell.

Am I alone in this?  Is there anybody out there who loves their husband and is proud of the fact that he's a soldier, but at the same time wishes more than anything sometimes that he would go away?  I'm going to say it's the holidays.  He always goes into asshole mode around this time of year (the product of not so happy childhood memories of Christmases past), but I hate asshole husband!! 

So, for the next week, I get to have this man around 24-7 and attempt not to let him see that I would like nothing better than to stuff him in a tuff box and ship to Afghanistan so he can kill some terrorists and work out his aggressions on someone other than me.  My only other option is try to screw him into being a good guy.  James Bond managed to fuck bad girls into being good.  Maybe it'll work for me.  Wish me luck! 

The Angry Baby

My youngest has what my mom would call a 2 by 4 mentality.   You know.  The kind of attitude whereby you need to take a fucking 2 by 4 to the side of their head to change their mind.  He's the most stubborn angry little shit I ever ran across and there are days when I would love to ship him to Timbuk-fucking-tu.  One second he's happy and cute and so damn lovable and then the next second he's fucking Satan!  Screaming, crying, banging his head on the floor and just fucking pissed off at the world.  Well, I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't have a 2 by 4 mentality or anger issues--he's an infantryman in the making.

Why the hell would I say that?  Well, infantrymen as a whole have a very singular attitude: give me what I want or I will FUCK you up!  Whether that's information from an enemy combatant or discipline within the rank structure, infantrymen expect to get what they desire and express their displeasure with those who fail to abide by their wishes with a vast variety of ways.  It could be the click of a safety coming off, smoking the shit out of a private, or beating the ever living shit out of a fucktard, but infantrymen deal with people who thwart them quickly and concisely.  And God help me, that's my youngest.

My two year old has had six, self-inflicted black eyes, given me a couple of bloody noses, kicked his father in the balls multiple times and generally made everyone in the family very clear on how pissed off he is when he doesn't get what he wants.  I don't believe in beating my children, but I am not opposed to spanking them if necessary.  It doesn't fucking work with this one!  The kid is like Mungo from Blazing Saddles.  The guy who they said not to shoot because "You'll just make him mad."   That's Mr. E.  I could probably beat that kid until the Second Coming and it wouldn't make a damned bit of difference. 

I can't wait until the kid is big enough to do fucking PT until he pukes. 

Giving a Flying Fuck

For once, I'm not writing to bitch.  Well, OK, maybe just a little, but for once I have something to say that is not outright complaining.  Who knew that could happen?? 

Anyway, I got an email this morning from a friend who wants to send care packages to soldiers in Afghanistan and wanted to know if I could help.  I just wanted to blog and say that it never ceases to amaze me at how generous and thoughtful people can be.  There are people out there who genuinely care and want to show our boys their support.  As my husband likes to say, "It gives me a fucking hard-on" that people are so wonderful and want our boys to know they are not forgotten.  There really are people who give a flying fuck and still support our troops! 

That having been said, with a special thanks to Miss B for reminding me that people still give a shit, on to the bitch portion of what I wanted to say.  I'm am shocked and pissed the fuck off to learn that there are people out there who are scamming supportive people and ripping them off in the name of "supporting our troops!"  What the fuck?!?  As if the guys aren't going through enough shit being shot at and forced to be away from their families, now there are assholes out there who are taking advantage of the people who want to help the guys!  This is fucking BULLSHIT!  To use our soldiers as a way to make money off unsuspecting people who want to do right by our soldiers makes me sick.  So, to all you scammers out there, FUCK YOU and MAY YOU BURN IN HELL!!

And, incidentally, if you happen to find out the names and locations of people who are pulling shit like this, let me know.  I bet I can find a few Rakkasans to help teach them the error of their ways. . .

"If you don't want to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them!"

RAKKASANS vs. TRADOC

So I managed to get myself into trouble with my husband.  It's not the complaints about the lack of sex, the fact that I am talking about sex, or even about what I said about TRADOC.  All that shit is true.   Apparently, though, he takes issue with me mentioning specific incidents about his work place and my opinion of what that reveals about the POS that work there, because he, unfortunately, still has to work there.  So now I have to behave (at least until he gets a new job) and find other things to bitch about.  Thankfully, this is the motherfucking Army, so there is ALWAYS something to complain about!!!

And so, my faithful readers, today's edition of the Bitching Board is RAKKASANS vs. TRADOC!!  Can you guess who the winner is in this contest??  Gee, let me think. . .   Why do I say that the Rakkasans are the shit and that TRADOC is just shit?  Allow me to elucidate. 

1.  The Rakkasans are a family.  At the Rakk, you can expect a fuck-ton of people at your house at least once a week (probably more) getting drunk, hanging out, having fun and tearing up!  TRADOC, if you manage to get to know more than 4 or 5 people, you're doing good and forget about the hanging out.  These motherfuckers are all about themselves and definitely don't give a fuck about you.

2.  Line units, like the Rakk, have FRGs that actually do shit, like BBQs and balls and holiday parties and meetings that people actually attend.  You have to.  If you don't go to this shit, you are shit out of luck on the info department, because the FRG is your best source for knowing what the fuck is going on.  TRADOC, they don't deploy or really do anything, so what the fuck do they need an FRG for?  And that is the attitude people have about the FRG.  I've heard it more times than I care to count and it's bullshit!!  And, by the way, that FRG meeting they scheduled will probably get cancelled anyway, because there is nothing going on.

3.  Rakkasans party hard, fight hard, drink hard, fuck hard and if you find a better group of men or better friends in your lifetime, then you didn't really bother to get to know them.  Those boys would burn down a motherfucker's house to defend the honor of a buddy whose wife was fucking around on him or beat the shit out of everyone in a bar because some dumb bastard talked bad about 3-187.  How many bars are the Rakk banned from now for fighting and clearing the places out??  I fucking love the Rakkasans.  Loyalty is everything to them.  TRADOC??  Not so much.  How can you have unit pride or loyalty when your job is dealing with a computer all day long??

4.    I had a friend once joke that I must bleed toriis because I loved the Rakkasans so much.  The torii is everywhere.  You can probably identify anyone who has been in this unit at any point in its illustrious history by the torii that is somewhere on their body, whether it be tattooed on their skin, printed on their clothes or on a piece of jewerly or hat.  It's there somewhere if you fucking look for it.  Once a Rakkasan, always a Rakkasan.  Here in TRADOC, I honestly can't tell you if the unit has a symbol or what their crest looks like.  I have no fucking clue and we've been here six months. 


I know this isn't a very long list of things that irk me about TRADOC and I've made it very general so I don't get in trouble again!!  I don't need him withholding sex as punishment for really letting loose on here.

Fuck TRADOC!!

Ah! the joys of TRADOC!  I know--we're in Germany and life should be fantastic, but TRADOC is so fucking stupid!!  I will never understand how so many piece of shit, asshole, hiding out from deployment motherfuckers manage to end up in TRADOC and never fucking leave!  What the hell is it with pogues??  "I'm scared.  I may sit behind a desk and I'll probably never have to leave the fucking FOB, but I just can't deploy!  Whose dick do I need to suck to get out of deployment?  Oh, here, Sir.  Let me bend over so you can ram it in if you can me get a job where I can hide the fuck out!" 

It's not just the hiding out pieces of shit that annoy me though.  These same bastards have got to be the laziest motherfuckers on the planet.  T is stuck at fucking desk doing planning for the international training they do here and wanted to get a job playing OP-FOR, but because he actually works and does his fucking job (and other people's as well) even though he hates it, they won't let him go to OP-FOR!!  There are E-6s and up doing jobs that a private could do, and technically speaking, they don't actually really do those jobs because they are busy fucking around on the internet and kissing somebody's ass!! 

Here's a typical day at work for T. My husband signed for equipment. Normal routine shit. The next day, supply wants him to sign for it all again. They lost the paperwork. My husband told them to go fuck themselves.  You want a new signature?  Then I want my fucking hand receipt back.  But no, they don't do it like that here.  You are just supposed to trust them that they will remember you've signed twice for the same shit and that when a fucking pair of NVDs comes up missing, you won't get charged $1500.  Fuck that!!

And apparently integrity is an imaginary concept here.  If you can blame someone else for your fuck-ups, then you are golden.  It's CYA all the way around and it makes me completely insane.  Integrity is not something you can fake or just decide you don't need when you are an NCO.  It's who you fucking are!!

But by far, the most horrid thing about TRADOC is the ridiculous hours!  0400-2000 or later every fucking day??  When my husband comes home too fucking tired to fuck me, it's time to get back on the line!!  At least on the line, he's not surrounded by pussy pieces of shit and when he can't fuck me, it's not because he's too tired, it's because he's fucking GONE killing the enemy with extreme prejudice!  God, I miss my RAKKASANS!!