Is it just me or am I just cursed? Without fail, three months into deployment, an appliance of some kind will do something stupid and make me learn more about do-it-yourself home repair than any sane woman should have to. This is why we get married--so we don't have to fuck with any of this stupid shit. Oh well.
Since I've been abandoned and forced to fend for myself numerable times, my dryer has caught fire, my toilet has run constantly, and my dryer has flooded the laundry room. WTF? It's like my appliances send down a memo:
"The bitch is here alone. Somebody needs to die! Sincerely, The Home Appliance Mafia"
My second deployment, and the first I was a homeowner and going to be stuck with any repair bill myself, while sitting at the kitchen table, the lights started dimming and then got brighter again. And then they went out completely. Total darkness was a nice backdrop for the light show going on in the laundry room. It looked like fireworks IN MY HOUSE! Run in there and the entire back of the dryer is in flames and throwing sparks. I shut the dryer off, extinguished the fire and tried to decide what the hell I was going to do now. I left it alone and looked at it the next morning to discover that the vent had come off and the back of the dryer had been covered in lint. Not any more! The fire had burned not only all the lint off, but also the power cord so I replaced it and lo and behold, the sucker still worked! $20 repair. Done.
Third deployment, I got a water bill for $200! AUGH! WTF!?! Go through the house looking for a leak and notice the kids' toilet is running. Take off the lid of the tank and the fill valve is cracked and spurting water in very direction and the flapper is stuck open. Great. So I found the shut off valve, got the parts and gutted the toilet. Another $20 repair. Done. (Sent a copy of the receipt to the water company and they reduced my bill to what it usually is. Very nice!)
This deployment, I'm doing laundry and notice that it sounds like it's still filling for a small load? WTF? Go in the laundry room and find an inch of water covering the floor. Great. I set it to spin. Emptied it and tried again. Still not stopping. SHIT! So I get online and find out all the parts of a washer and what they do. Took the front of the washer off and pulled the overflow hose off to find enough mildew clogging it to choke a horse. Disgusting. SO I unbent a coat hanger, jammed it in, pulled all the shit out, and put the fucking machine back together. No more floods in the laundry room and the floor in there is spotless. Free repair. Done.
This deployment after R & R, I had yet another surprise that I would normally delegate to my husband, but was he here? FUCK NO! This time the dogs are out back going ape shit so my 15 year old and four year old sons go to see what's up. Thank God for my oldest. He came running back in carrying his brother and dragging one of the dogs, screaming "Snake!!!"
Fuck me sideways. Where's a man when you need him? Oh, that's right: Afghani-fucking-stan. I head out the door with a shovel and a broom and use the broom to pin the cottonmouth down while the boy drags in the other dog. All I have to say is I am damned lucky the cops weren't called about some crazy woman screaming, "Kill the motherfucker!!" and that my son didn't object to hacking a poisonous snake to death.
So while I may have managed to get out of some ridiculous repair bills or replacement costs and avoided any animal bites, why can't these things catch fire, break, clog, or try to kill me and the kids when there's a man around? It's a curse. I swear it is. It is nice to know that I don't NEED a man around if shit needs fixed or an animal needs put down--
I just need him if I ever want to have sex again!
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