What were you thinking?

Before he deploys, my husband has in mind what couples will be divorced by the time deployment ends or shortly thereafter. He can pick them out a mile away. It's actually kind of scary sometimes, but when you understand the circumstances of some of these marriages, it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out that it is never going to work.

For those of you who don't know, lower enlisted don't technically have to get permission to marry, but they do need to inform their chain of command of their intention to do so. A lot of these young soldiers come in out of the blue and announce that they are in love and are getting married. Upon hearing this, they will invariably be asked, 'How did you meet her?"

Here's some of the better answers I've heard:
--at a strip club (she was performing)
--she was dating my roommate (and half of the barracks at one time or another)
--she delivered my pizza
--on-line


Women who grow up around a military poste can probably tell you the pay scale better than most military men themselves. And let's face it: boys fresh out of basic and free for the first time in their lives are horny bastards and easy prey. They are also foolish beyond comprehension and do not listen to their sergeants. If they did, there would be fewer divorces in the military. But what do they expect?

You married a girl you saw dancing in a club and only knew for 2 days because she popped your cherry. Then you discover she's a druggie and on welfare. And it only costs $50 for anyone who wants to to fuck her in the ass. Well, maybe you should know a person longer than 5 minutes, shit for brains!! I was astonished to learn that she emptied your bank account and stole your car on your one month anniversary. Didn't see that one coming!

Or you married a barrack whore--you know, the girl who has slept with the entire company at least once and has probably slept with every man in every company in the battalion. . . You're surprised she cheated on you?

The pizza delivery girl is good. Know her 2 weeks, marry her, knock her up, deploy 2 weeks later. She files for separation dating from the DAY YOU LEFT, takes your bonus to spend on meth and uses the kid to fleece you monthly with child support payments! Shocker!

And then there is on-line dating. My fave. Hook up with a girl who says she is 5 foot, 7 inches tall, 120 pounds, blond hair, blue eyes. Marry her BY PROXY and send her a plane ticket to come here to meet the boys. Too bad she's 5 foot, 3 inches tall, 350 pounds, black dyed goth hair, brown eyes. Sucks for you. Here's a clue: You're on-line. You can LIE about yourself! Who knew? Hey bitches, I'm 5'7", 120 lbs, with DD boobs (if you add 7 inches, 30 pounds and about 5 cups sizes. . . )

What the fuck are these boys thinking? The same boys who go "hogging" to military balls. Never heard this term? They find the largest girl they can to take to the ball and then they have to sleep with her. Biggest girl makes you the winner. Lovely, huh?

(I am not prejudiced against big girls--some of my best friends are plump. When I say large, I mean morbidly obese. The big girl who shows up in a yellow dress and all I can say when I see her is "Parkay!!" Yes, I know, I'm going to hell!)

But the BEST one I ever heard was the guy who met a girl in a club, came to work Monday, and announced he was getting married. My husband told him he was insane.

The kid's response??

"But Sergeant. . . she ain't got no gag reflex!"