Ass vs. Hole in the Ground

Definition of Ranks:

General--Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

Colonel--Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

Lt. Colonel--Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming polls, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved.

Major--Barely clears a Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with a switch engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain--Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by a locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, dog paddles, talks to God.

1st Lieutenant--Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant--Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says "Look at the Choo-Choo," makes a wonderful target on the range, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

Sergeant--Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.

Disclaimer: There are exceptions to very rule, and we've all met some of those exceptions--from the LT who kicks ass and takes names and the colonel who couldn't find his ass if you gave him grid coordinates and a GPS to the buck sergeant or sergeant major who is not God (even though he thinks he is), but Satan incarnate and needs to have a 203 round dropped on his head.

All I'm going to say is that my sergeant, the love of my life, the man I married, is God to his men--not God in his own mind--and would die (or kill) for any one of his men. This is for the boys (and I hope the definitions made you laugh): we are here for you if you need us. We truly love you all. And for anyone who would hurt our boys, we will FUCK YOU UP!! Just saying. . .