I know a lot of wives who would qualify themselves as "dead" at this point in deployment. Between insomnia, worry, and lack of news on when the fuck my husband will be home, that whole suck starting a pistol thing is looking pretty damn good to me again. Then top off all my everyday "living life and it sucks" problems to my husband who is probably even more anxious about homecoming than I am, so he turns into some moody asshole, and suddenly a whole new world of ways to off myself are becoming more and more attractive. However, suicide would negate the possibility of getting laid anytime soon, so there's another fine plan down the shitter.
Since suicide is out, I've been toying with the idea of running away, but again that means no sex. So I'm stuck in this never-ending, fucked up version of Groundhog Day. 0530- kids up for school. Smoke. Check email. Smoke again. Then homeschool with the eldest, cleaning, laundry, chasing the baby. Lunch. Smoke again. Check email. Review lessons and lit class with eldest. Baby down for a nap. Smoke and maybe sit down to read. Kids home from school. Homework. Make dinner. Finish laundry. Dishes. Clothes and lunches out for kids for school. Check email. Blog. Try to find something on TV. Fail. Go read a book. Check email. Smoke again. Start dishwasher. Lay down and stare at ceiling for one hour. Give up and go read some more. Finish off pack of smokes. Finish book and lay down again. More ceiling staring. 0200- baby wants to get up and play. 0400- baby back in bed and Kate can actually get to sleep. 0530- kids up for school. Rinse/Repeat.
I know that this is not everything I do. FRG, husband's shit, helping friends. I know that life is not this shit hole that it seems to be, but if there's a light at the end of this tunnel, I must be fucking blind because I just don't see it!!
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