Prepare Thyself. . .

The boys are finally meandering their way home, a few at a time, spread out over a month, and it's about fucking time!! It's a timeline with a lot of room for error and which leaves all of us wives with a very serious question that needs answering: will I have time after I get the call to go in for a bikini wax or should I get it done now and pray that nothing looks "unkempt" by the time he does get home??

That may sound fucking stupid that this is a major concern for a wife, but if everything is going to be fucking perfect when he does finally gets boots on the ground, then I need an answer to this question!! Personally, I wait until the 3 day window after the call for all the plucking, waxing, shaving, painting, and female beautification routines. I spend the time up to then cleaning like a mad woman, repainting baseboards, engaging in general home repair, bleaching, stripping, scrubbing and generally suffocating everyone with a combination of deadly fumes from some evil cleaning products.

And then comes another important question that most wives like to answer well before the arrival of the husband: what the fuck am I going to wear?? OK. It's fucking February, so dress warm. Wear something cute, but not slutty. Save the fucking S&M leather corset and collar for the bedroom at home. Or the ultra mini "dress" that you made out of his ACUs. The daisy dukes on your size 34W ass I can also do without. And please, please try to refrain from showing up without your panties! There is nowhere at the hangar where you can get a quickie in. Believe me, bitch, no one wants see your twat when you sit down on the bleachers and show that nasty thing to the entire fucking hangar!! Thank you very much.

I already have the house mostly clean, laundry caught up, one room left to paint, outfit selected, the list of people to call, hair removal plan in place. . . There's a lot that needs to be done before he's boots on the ground. And there's nothing that needs to be done before he gets here. I know that sounds fucked up, but what I mean is this: we wives put the pressure to have everything perfect on ourselves! Our husbands don't care if there are dishes in the sink or dust on the baseboard or a load of laundry in the dryer. He doesn't care if you shaved your damn legs that morning or not. He wants his family and that's it. Dirty, hair in Pippi Longstocking braids, wearing fucking flannel with no makeup. Doesn't matter. Just show up at homecoming.

That's all you have to do to make him happy. The rest is bullshit.