I'm On Profile!!

Ever heard of being on profile? In Army lingo, that means that you are broken, hurt, insane or whatever that prevents you from performing your job fully and gives you time to recuperate from said ailment. I don't even know all the kinds of fucking profiles you can get. A PT Profile. A No Running Profile. A Pregnancy Profile. A Psych Profile. A Temporary Profile. Shit! They even have a No Shaving Profile!! Fantastic.

Well, I've thought it all out and I have a solution to the deployment problem. My husband just needs to get a profile. A profile that will send him home. A profile that no one can possibly dispute the validity of and that all my boys can use. You call it the No FUCKING Deployment Profile and I have very specific criteria to qualify to be on this profile.

1. You must be able to show that you are sexually deprived. For infantrymen, that means no pussy for a period longer than 12 weeks.

2. You must have a wife or girlfriend of long standing from whom you would normally be getting sex on a regular basis. Divorce having been filed disqualifies the soldier.

3. The following symptoms are proof of sexual deprivation:

a. Your penis is chafed, chapped, or otherwise damaged due to the frequency of masturbating without lotion and in a sandy environment.

b. Your penis and hand now have matching callouses.

c. You are desperate enough to jerk off in front of another man.

d. Your bunk has a neon pink sign above it that reads, "Do Not Disturb. Work in Progress."

e. The "desert blossoms" are making you wonder what's under that berka.

f. Camels humping gives you a hard-on.

g. You have constructed a pocket pussy out of 550 cord.

h. You keep hearing 9 Inch Nails singing, "I wanna Fuck You Like An Animal."

i. The HUMVEE's tailpipe is looking mighty tight to you.

j. You seriously considered going the last time Hadji asked you to take a walk to "watch the sunset."

k. You have fucked your boots because you walking 12 hours a day in them has made them smell like fish.

l. Your wedding band has been worn through and your penis has developed an allergy to gold.

m. Your eyepro now serves the alternate purpose of protecting your eyes from cum-shots.

n. Your Blackhawk gloves are no longer black, but white (and crusty).

o. "Clearing your weapon" has taken on an entirely new meaning.

3. Should these symptoms be exhibited, the soldier's qualifying time to be classified sexually deprived will be rated according to the number of children he has sired, with each child earning a reduction of one week. Hence a soldier with 1 child can be declared deprived after 11 weeks rather than 12.

I don't think the Army is going to go for it, but I think this profile idea is fucking brilliant!! And by my calculations, my husband should have been home in April. Four kids mean after 8 weeks, he's deprived enough to be placed on a No FUCKING Deployment profile. If you don't have kids, I'm sorry--not really--but this works for me!!

I like this plan.  Go me.  Fuck you, Army.